voyage voyage - desireless

I got sudden desire to cut my hair and not to color it anymore. Maybe is because I feel I have no desire to keep it like this, it's been years since I cut it properly. Not centimetre or two, but whole mile down the road.
Time for change has come, my hair will go first, now or in the fall, but the hair will fall!
I need that right now. If I don't like it it will grow up. But in the light of french music and melody of memories I think I'm ready. Cap! And it will be gone.
Like everything gone. Erasmus gone, love gone, it seems only apropriate to celebrate it that way.

pride-u2

The problem of being too proud is that you hurt people. Even if you are in that moment thinking it was best possible solution.
Because of my pride and because of my stuborness I hurt people.
At my time spent at home I was really hoping it was for the best. Tonight another picture came to my mind. The one I didn't see. In that picture I hurt him. We hurt eachother even if we tought it was for the best. I'm still waiting for him to jump around corridor, I'm still waiting for the moment of being warm in his sweter and saying hello to too early Bratislava mornings. The pain subdued but it's there. Right now I'm wating for Monday to pick up my papers, start to pack, have last party to say goodbye and leave.
Like I said to him long ago, There's nothing waiting for me in Croatia anymore. Right now,truth is, there's nothing waiting for me in Bratislava anymore. I can't help but to wonder, where to next?

don't you forget about me - simple minds

In the end of all things, he was holding me gently and tightly in the corridor, head nested in the crook of my neck.
It was soft as the hazy morning that we welcomed. I felt I could stand there frozen forever. In my head Bijelo Dugme was playing. Totaly right and totaly wrong in the same time. We kissed, we were cliche.
But it was that I needed.
Hours later, I was crying in Anna's room after seing him in the corridor and making smal talk. Then loud clapping begun and we ran down the stairs to clap laving crowd. He was last, and when he turned to wave I send him a kiss, I hope he saw me.
It was eliberating to tell him I loved him, to tell him all without regrets and still be able to have most romantic ending ever.
I almost didn't have strenght to go say goodby today. Thanx to Anna I did.
I'm sure he won't forget it, neihter will I. I opened my heart and it soared. Walls I crushed and bridges I crossed. He helped me. Made it possible to dream. Made it possible to love again. Without regrets and bitterness, my love was accepted and recognized.
I'll miss him like a fool as I'm bawling my eyes out for hours.
Je ne vais jamais oublier, je t'aime mon fou garcon boxer

snap!

And one FB message later, my life was flowing again. The feeling that I'm able to breathe once more. The rejoice that I don't have to bite my nails or force myself to sleep at night. Anyway I'm sad he's leaving. I'll miss him al little bit. The man who showed me that lovemaking is not necessarily selfish. Who made me laugh and feel alive again.
I can just hope I'll find someone in the longer lasting version of that next time.

under my thumb - rolling stones

I'm in love and alone again. This year I have finally suceeded in being left alone.
But this growing pian of fruitless one sided loves.. I almost forgot how it feels to be alone in love.
One never let me forget that, and after I was over it, anotherone came, and then another. It hurts to be meaningless.
And yes, I'm jelous to everyone you call youf friends. Am I not a friend too? Someone who for a brief time shared you with you.And yet, I'm there and I'm not, just out of reach. And how I miss you it's even more horrible.
Like I have uncanny talent to shit relationships. I feel lost. Again.

diamonds and rust - joan baez

May and June always took something from me.
I can say freely hardest months in a year. Maybe it's the heat haze, where everyone goes crazy from heavy rains and suffocating sunny afternoons. Summer break still far away.
So, I just try not to remember. The ghost faces, the words written in cyberspaces. But I always do. Sometimes it is an old pohotograph. Sometimes it is sensation of pressing warm body in summer haze. When everything was happier.
I could remember both days so clearly in my head. Both people. But it's not just about losing people. For me, those are months of mistakes. Loses on both sides. When pressure costs you your sleep, when guilt is seeping trough your skin like sweat.
I don't have nightmares if you think I do. I loose sleep.
Nobody knows and nobody asks. May and June are months of secrets. Risks. Melange of everything.
I'm just tired of May and June.

depeche mode - the pain I'm used to

To work again in wee hours of morning is welcoming distraction. I have always been very pain tolerant.
This started to test my boundaries. But I reuse to use pills. Smehow it reminds me of how strong I can be.
Right now I feel I need to show myself how strong I can be. It's starting to be difficult. So the pain I'm used to multiplied by dozen times. What can I do? Obviously sleep is not an option. So I'll work. Work until I go numb.