adele-rolling in the deep

You can just never tell yourself 'I'm not falling in love'. I know I promised. But I did anyway. Against all rules. Like it should be. But he's road to nowhere again. This is the year of my liberation, with lots of roads nowhere.
I just wish I dreamed it all. I just wish to wake up two weeks from now. That's the soonest I'll be able to see him.
Against it all, I like it. I like to be able to love again. To fall in my doom willingly, as would Beigebeder say.

it's my life - no doubt

I often find myself wondering would my life been happier if I stayed? Would I have boyfriend of 7+ years, my little community of tight and all too familiar faces, my job, my car, my hapiness?
Or is it just fact that it's reserved for somebody else. Turbulent times. Stuck here for unknown period. Stuck in a city where nothing ever was but pain and anguish. Moment of happines could fit in less than a year time. Zagreb never made me happy. But Split didn't also. Sense of not belonging here still preserves.
I'm awfully sared of future. I'm awfully scared to get back to normal life.
Right now, I'm doing my best in keeping my chin up.
For how long will I have to stay this time?
Just want to leave. To leave everything I knew behind. So frustrating to be from this last hole on planet. Options so restricted.
Access to better life - denied.

white sky- vampire weekend

So there I was.
Another sleepless night. If I hadn't drowned that bottle of wine with Marie, I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.
I woke up. Tangled and tired.
Ceci sat with me while stopwatch was counting. Three to five minutes. Most longest I ever had.
I just prayed. One line please. Little voice in me pleaded.
Is it still one? I asked Ceci. I didn't want to look at strip laying on table. Line that changes everything.
Yes it is.
How many minutes?
Three.
Two more?
.
.
Is it still one line?
Yes it is.

In that moment I decided no more this shit for me. I will not get gray in waiting again. This just shortened my life for five years at least.
Alone. In foreign country. Far away from home. In dormitory where privacy is foreign word.
With a person I know little more than 2 months. With no surname. With no love.
In an aftermatch I feel eliberated. Safe and sound again.
So many women everday. Like a scene from a movie. Just the movie was my life. I guess Erasmus IS like a movie, after all.

bitter tears

Iso-la-ti-on. That's the today's word. Sometimes it gets really difficult being here. Sometimes the isolation I fel is sharp as needle and hard as a battle ram.
Today is just not my day. Last night I felt so excluded from the world. Gossip doesn't help either.
It's like I forgot to talk to people, it's like I'm getting back to my 'serious' mode again. Cat ate my tongue.
Maybe it's because I lost my chance as soon as I tangled myself in web of relationships here. But what enerves me the most is exclusivity of the groups. It's like hig school all over again for me. As if it was not hard for the first time. And now the second?! God.
Ypu have Queen bee, you have spanish in general and french in general. Other people just decide to pick one group and assimilate. Maye it's because the average age here is 19-22. People NEED groups still then. But I never did. I hated belonging to the group and at the same time so desired to do so. Like I said, hig school. Like karma is paying back to me with the words - ADAPTATION.
This morning I cried so much about it. On that subject I haven't cried since I was 16. 16. (!)
But then, as usuall I got up. I decided to ignore things as usual. I decide to ignore the gossips and just be myself again. For the other part I decided to ignore my french lover. I feel lately I have being forcing him to do something. It's not like I'm trying to get the Green card for the France for goodnes sake! Mybe is in my mind. But usually it's not. So I'm backing off for a little while. As hard as if it will be.

yesterday my heart was full

I just had enough time alone to finally realize Vida is gone. Really really gone. I remember holding her in a tight hug last summer. With her smile. It is so unfair. It's so cliche everything I would want to tell or write. And I still think it's joke. But then again it's not. I cried a little bit.
So preoccupied this weekend, so tired. So the news settled yesterday. It's kinda morbid - four weddings and a funeral.
Afther that, I saw other news from home. I should have been hurt, but than again, in the light of her gone and other things, it seemes so meaningless this time. I cried enough tears for that fiction on my last train ride home.
Rather than cry over so stupid thing, I decide to pick up on my diet again, workout and finally do some brain work if I ever mean to accomplish anything. Even so meaningless and pointless as my home university final thesis. Over the years I developped certan indifference. Realization punchline: if you think about your courses as tool, and not put too much brain in to it, it will turn to the best. I can't wait to move on.