voyage voyage - desireless

I got sudden desire to cut my hair and not to color it anymore. Maybe is because I feel I have no desire to keep it like this, it's been years since I cut it properly. Not centimetre or two, but whole mile down the road.
Time for change has come, my hair will go first, now or in the fall, but the hair will fall!
I need that right now. If I don't like it it will grow up. But in the light of french music and melody of memories I think I'm ready. Cap! And it will be gone.
Like everything gone. Erasmus gone, love gone, it seems only apropriate to celebrate it that way.

pride-u2

The problem of being too proud is that you hurt people. Even if you are in that moment thinking it was best possible solution.
Because of my pride and because of my stuborness I hurt people.
At my time spent at home I was really hoping it was for the best. Tonight another picture came to my mind. The one I didn't see. In that picture I hurt him. We hurt eachother even if we tought it was for the best. I'm still waiting for him to jump around corridor, I'm still waiting for the moment of being warm in his sweter and saying hello to too early Bratislava mornings. The pain subdued but it's there. Right now I'm wating for Monday to pick up my papers, start to pack, have last party to say goodbye and leave.
Like I said to him long ago, There's nothing waiting for me in Croatia anymore. Right now,truth is, there's nothing waiting for me in Bratislava anymore. I can't help but to wonder, where to next?

don't you forget about me - simple minds

In the end of all things, he was holding me gently and tightly in the corridor, head nested in the crook of my neck.
It was soft as the hazy morning that we welcomed. I felt I could stand there frozen forever. In my head Bijelo Dugme was playing. Totaly right and totaly wrong in the same time. We kissed, we were cliche.
But it was that I needed.
Hours later, I was crying in Anna's room after seing him in the corridor and making smal talk. Then loud clapping begun and we ran down the stairs to clap laving crowd. He was last, and when he turned to wave I send him a kiss, I hope he saw me.
It was eliberating to tell him I loved him, to tell him all without regrets and still be able to have most romantic ending ever.
I almost didn't have strenght to go say goodby today. Thanx to Anna I did.
I'm sure he won't forget it, neihter will I. I opened my heart and it soared. Walls I crushed and bridges I crossed. He helped me. Made it possible to dream. Made it possible to love again. Without regrets and bitterness, my love was accepted and recognized.
I'll miss him like a fool as I'm bawling my eyes out for hours.
Je ne vais jamais oublier, je t'aime mon fou garcon boxer

snap!

And one FB message later, my life was flowing again. The feeling that I'm able to breathe once more. The rejoice that I don't have to bite my nails or force myself to sleep at night. Anyway I'm sad he's leaving. I'll miss him al little bit. The man who showed me that lovemaking is not necessarily selfish. Who made me laugh and feel alive again.
I can just hope I'll find someone in the longer lasting version of that next time.

under my thumb - rolling stones

I'm in love and alone again. This year I have finally suceeded in being left alone.
But this growing pian of fruitless one sided loves.. I almost forgot how it feels to be alone in love.
One never let me forget that, and after I was over it, anotherone came, and then another. It hurts to be meaningless.
And yes, I'm jelous to everyone you call youf friends. Am I not a friend too? Someone who for a brief time shared you with you.And yet, I'm there and I'm not, just out of reach. And how I miss you it's even more horrible.
Like I have uncanny talent to shit relationships. I feel lost. Again.

diamonds and rust - joan baez

May and June always took something from me.
I can say freely hardest months in a year. Maybe it's the heat haze, where everyone goes crazy from heavy rains and suffocating sunny afternoons. Summer break still far away.
So, I just try not to remember. The ghost faces, the words written in cyberspaces. But I always do. Sometimes it is an old pohotograph. Sometimes it is sensation of pressing warm body in summer haze. When everything was happier.
I could remember both days so clearly in my head. Both people. But it's not just about losing people. For me, those are months of mistakes. Loses on both sides. When pressure costs you your sleep, when guilt is seeping trough your skin like sweat.
I don't have nightmares if you think I do. I loose sleep.
Nobody knows and nobody asks. May and June are months of secrets. Risks. Melange of everything.
I'm just tired of May and June.

depeche mode - the pain I'm used to

To work again in wee hours of morning is welcoming distraction. I have always been very pain tolerant.
This started to test my boundaries. But I reuse to use pills. Smehow it reminds me of how strong I can be.
Right now I feel I need to show myself how strong I can be. It's starting to be difficult. So the pain I'm used to multiplied by dozen times. What can I do? Obviously sleep is not an option. So I'll work. Work until I go numb.

devotion-hurts

Oh my.
Month of goodbyes ahead. I hate goodbyes.
People already started leaving. People I liked and I will miss for ceratn time. It feels so frustrating to be here and not be able to 'hug' someone you cared about. To promise to see them, write them soon enough.
And what distrubs me more, is the fact that noting of that will come true. We'll never write, we'll never travel and most contact will be lost.
From all of them, I don't want to lose maybe 3 people altogether. One I will lose for certan. It's just like that. I know it.

adele-rolling in the deep

You can just never tell yourself 'I'm not falling in love'. I know I promised. But I did anyway. Against all rules. Like it should be. But he's road to nowhere again. This is the year of my liberation, with lots of roads nowhere.
I just wish I dreamed it all. I just wish to wake up two weeks from now. That's the soonest I'll be able to see him.
Against it all, I like it. I like to be able to love again. To fall in my doom willingly, as would Beigebeder say.

it's my life - no doubt

I often find myself wondering would my life been happier if I stayed? Would I have boyfriend of 7+ years, my little community of tight and all too familiar faces, my job, my car, my hapiness?
Or is it just fact that it's reserved for somebody else. Turbulent times. Stuck here for unknown period. Stuck in a city where nothing ever was but pain and anguish. Moment of happines could fit in less than a year time. Zagreb never made me happy. But Split didn't also. Sense of not belonging here still preserves.
I'm awfully sared of future. I'm awfully scared to get back to normal life.
Right now, I'm doing my best in keeping my chin up.
For how long will I have to stay this time?
Just want to leave. To leave everything I knew behind. So frustrating to be from this last hole on planet. Options so restricted.
Access to better life - denied.

white sky- vampire weekend

So there I was.
Another sleepless night. If I hadn't drowned that bottle of wine with Marie, I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.
I woke up. Tangled and tired.
Ceci sat with me while stopwatch was counting. Three to five minutes. Most longest I ever had.
I just prayed. One line please. Little voice in me pleaded.
Is it still one? I asked Ceci. I didn't want to look at strip laying on table. Line that changes everything.
Yes it is.
How many minutes?
Three.
Two more?
.
.
Is it still one line?
Yes it is.

In that moment I decided no more this shit for me. I will not get gray in waiting again. This just shortened my life for five years at least.
Alone. In foreign country. Far away from home. In dormitory where privacy is foreign word.
With a person I know little more than 2 months. With no surname. With no love.
In an aftermatch I feel eliberated. Safe and sound again.
So many women everday. Like a scene from a movie. Just the movie was my life. I guess Erasmus IS like a movie, after all.

bitter tears

Iso-la-ti-on. That's the today's word. Sometimes it gets really difficult being here. Sometimes the isolation I fel is sharp as needle and hard as a battle ram.
Today is just not my day. Last night I felt so excluded from the world. Gossip doesn't help either.
It's like I forgot to talk to people, it's like I'm getting back to my 'serious' mode again. Cat ate my tongue.
Maybe it's because I lost my chance as soon as I tangled myself in web of relationships here. But what enerves me the most is exclusivity of the groups. It's like hig school all over again for me. As if it was not hard for the first time. And now the second?! God.
Ypu have Queen bee, you have spanish in general and french in general. Other people just decide to pick one group and assimilate. Maye it's because the average age here is 19-22. People NEED groups still then. But I never did. I hated belonging to the group and at the same time so desired to do so. Like I said, hig school. Like karma is paying back to me with the words - ADAPTATION.
This morning I cried so much about it. On that subject I haven't cried since I was 16. 16. (!)
But then, as usuall I got up. I decided to ignore things as usual. I decide to ignore the gossips and just be myself again. For the other part I decided to ignore my french lover. I feel lately I have being forcing him to do something. It's not like I'm trying to get the Green card for the France for goodnes sake! Mybe is in my mind. But usually it's not. So I'm backing off for a little while. As hard as if it will be.

yesterday my heart was full

I just had enough time alone to finally realize Vida is gone. Really really gone. I remember holding her in a tight hug last summer. With her smile. It is so unfair. It's so cliche everything I would want to tell or write. And I still think it's joke. But then again it's not. I cried a little bit.
So preoccupied this weekend, so tired. So the news settled yesterday. It's kinda morbid - four weddings and a funeral.
Afther that, I saw other news from home. I should have been hurt, but than again, in the light of her gone and other things, it seemes so meaningless this time. I cried enough tears for that fiction on my last train ride home.
Rather than cry over so stupid thing, I decide to pick up on my diet again, workout and finally do some brain work if I ever mean to accomplish anything. Even so meaningless and pointless as my home university final thesis. Over the years I developped certan indifference. Realization punchline: if you think about your courses as tool, and not put too much brain in to it, it will turn to the best. I can't wait to move on.

vampire weekend

So summary in the end of week, I ate too much, I gave myself too much. Out of pure and sheer happiness of being back at Mlyny. For one, my parents were here whole week. And as much I adore my parents it took me some time to get used in spending so much time with them. My father was driving me insane. Combine that with wery little sleep last month (yes month!) you get very grumpy and intolerant me. But it was good. Enjoying country side with them. Re-discovering of Slovakia for me. In early summertime it's the best place ever. It reminded me why I fell in love in this country in the first place.
As second comes me and my french lover.
I enjoyed him also. During the time I was at home, I was thinking and talking a lot with him and about him. When I came back the only thing on my mind was desire to kiss him. So I did. We watched stars on the balcony, after quite handful night together ;)
I'll just have to get used to have lights turned on. The worse thing in the world. I prefer dark for the 'dark' things.
So Erasmus continues and life got back to 'normal'...

tant pis (doesn't matter)

Estear was. Well fun, I guess. Kinda boring at home, nothing to do but eat, drink and meet friends. So different from last week. Frenzy was over. Only thing that remained was sit for that uncomfortable/awkward beer with someone I loved. It was really odd meeting. I would not say unconfortable but that was it. End of the line. His passion dissipated like speck of dust and suprisingly mine has too. I was so harsh this morning, saying 'I will fight for this!', but there's just nothing to fight for anymore. My life here was like vacation. Long one, if you ask me. Tommorow I'm going. Finally. I just want to go back. Not dissapointed, not left alone, not broken. Relieved. I did everything I could here. I talked to everyone I wanted, I got the results that I wanted (more or less) and I still find myself being just me. The me who wants more. Who wants more with passion. In all my years of uni, I wanted more. The only thing right now for me is to live. I feel eliberated.

we come 1

World mixing over. Weird week over.
I think you must feel very important having girls hunt you.. After visiting Museum of broken realtionships I realized only one is worthy of entering there.
And that only one spent whole 5 days entratainig my roomate and taking care of people around. Today it was his day to show us(me) his real face again. Just one ill placed comment in a beautiful afternoon.
After 5 days of pure crazyness I go back to where it all started. My sun filled home.It is already as my life there and me being home is just a dream. My place is somwhere else and it's not called Croatia anymore.
Have nice Easter holidays :*

desaparecido

Love life in Erasmus is quite specific thing. It's like you're living in a bubble where outside doesn't exist. Reality gets mixed with a dream very easily. It's not uncommon here tu jungle more than 5 love/sex pursuits at the same time. Afther initial shock you begin to feel normal doing that. Or even if you're not thing will happen to you. And boy, are you pretty for everyone!
Some days I feel like hunted rabbit. Or a meat in a BigMac. Juggling alot.
Tonight Ceci asked me am I not afraid of mixing my two worlds, Erasmus and Croatian one nex week. In one way, I'm scared. I don't like to do it not even in normal circumstances. Mix people. But in the other way, I'm insanely happy for them to save me from severity of my life at home.
The thing I'm dreaded is the time I will not spend in Erasmus. I feel like every minute here counts. And I'll be gone for time that mesures in Erasmus like ages. What will happen after coming back? It's all open cards for me. Vast space waiting to be filled with something new, exciting, intoxicating.

price

Mother of my friend said to her long time ago: three boys at least, or none. It's true. Most of time in our lives we have either insane amount of people interested, or we feel like last slug on the road, none.
Right now I feel like more than three. Actually with the spring everthing intensified here. I got used to be here, it's my home in the way Zagreb never was.
Second, trip to Krakow broke the barrier of many things. I realized the sex feels, breaths and smells the same no matter the language. Third, every prejudice you have about french people are true. Well, most of them. Good lovers. Yes, for me. Croatians can be very brutal in demand of what they consider to be 'their rights' in making love. After long time, I felt like coupling was dedicated for my enjoyment, his was just side effect of that.
Fourth, after Krakov,more than ever, I realized that prison is a state of mind. Auschwitz-Birkenau on a day you imagine in your dreams. When you're inside, even 80 years later, you realize that inside there was no sun, moon, spring, winter. Every day must have been the same torture. That was horrible. But not in the way I expected to be. In the end I'm glad to choose to go there.
Fifth, graphic design in both Czech Republic and Poland, left me breathless. And I am very hard person to surprise or amaze.
Conclusion: things are set in motion. I don't care anymore what will hapen or what is happenig at home. Here is my home, here are my frends.
Those who I left, will be there when I come back. :*

selling

I realize now people in my life, the people with whom I interact are evrything but normal. Ordinary.
We have two sides.
On one side rich young corporatives and counterparts. With them you don't drink cheap and you don't do cheap drugs. With them I feel like in Beigebeder's book.
On the other side we have multi-culti commiunity of young and more or less prominent artist. Architects, designers, hispters.
Sometimes I feel like I'm part of something big with them. People with whom I recently interacted are in other group. Little by little I find my self sharing more and more of common interests.
But none of these groups of people, none of those people is capable of shedding new light into my life.
I still don't know what to do with my career.
I feel I don't quite belong anywhere.

suicide blonde

Or how in the world did I manage to fall in love with my best friend?
No, I haven't suddenly decided to change my sexual orientation.
It was conclusion after seeing another conference, another trip he will attend.
The fact alone reminded me of how my I. lives for pas 4 years. Conferences, trips, escape.
I'm aboslutely convinced rigt now that they are so alike.
And that tought makes me restless. I know her. And if he's like her.. it will pose problem for me.
It's one thing to tolerate things to your friends. Their nightmares, their escapes, their happiness... but it's entirely antoher thing to tolerate that in love interest. It's entirely another thing to be aware of how unimportant you are.
Do I even dare to hope after the realisation dawned?
Maybe.
Knowing her.

fashion faux-pas

Ok, before you star to yell at me, I AM a girl.
Who is more or less fashino obsessed.
Coming to Blava is like coming to Zg at least two years ago. And they have H&M. H&M is one of companies that can give you some fashion sense, even if you are color blind, deaf and utterly hopeless.
Or so I tought.
But it'a just not working.
Remember croatian coast in summer? Funny stockings on sandals, godforbidugly combinations?
Yep. That's Blava for you.
Even if it's looking alright, you can bet girls will ruin it with something. Impossible color match, shose-from-hell, or maybe newest version of in-tha-hood-girl.
About older people I will not spend another word. Perm and red with blonde will be the only ones.
Curiosly men don't seem to have problems about dressing up.

mon dieu!

I'll be short.
My roomates are pigs.
Not the actual people I'm living with, but the girls in the corridor.
Explanation as it follows.
I've never been too orderly person. My room is mess more than in order, but my bathroom and watercloset are squeaky clean.
I just go with my grandmother's favourite proverb: " Bathroom is only place in the hous where you cannot enter with guest". It's true. It HAS to be clean. Not for the guests, but for your own personal health and hgyene.
For 5 weeks here I'm battling battle lost in advance.
Girls are simply - pigs.
No, I'm not talking about hair in the sink, that's survivable.
I'm talking about walking in shoes (ergo the muddy floor), washing dishes (we have huge kitchen 4 doors down the hall) and throwing remains of the food in the sink, and last (but not least) pissed toilet.
Yes, it's 21's century and people are not yeat quite adapted to that grand novelity called toilet.
Or toilet culture for that matter.
Slowly, but surely I'm gong insane. I don't want to be brutal but it's really disgusting.
In next 3 months I'm going to start with killing people.
To hell with pacifism and diplomacy!
This means (toilet) war!